Dear Crazy Cocker Spaniel,
You with your big brown innocent eyes, soft fur, and breath that smells like you have licked every living things butt for the last 7 days; YOU need to stop trying to kill me. Don’t think I didn’t notice you trying to steal that power saw the other day. And when I caught you, you just flashed me the get out of jail free eyes. But I know better.
Just this morning you tried to off me by cutting in front of me as we walked down the stairs to go to the rest room. Trying to break free? I’ve seen you in the real world, you wouldn’t last a minute. You are afraid of card board boxes and shower curtains for goodness sakes. And fans. And bags. You see where I am going with this.
So stop trying to trip me when I am carrying things, they could fall on you and then who is the joke on? Technically still me since I would have to take you to the vet and hand over no doubt hundreds of dollars.
If you do kill me you will have access to all the food in the apartment that is correct. Of course access is a loose term since you haven’t been able to get to it yet when I leave you alone. I know you try, you leave evidence…stealth is not your style. So I am not sure what you think you are going to gain from all of this. Maybe I have been letting you watch too much Family Guy and watching Stewie try and plot Lois’ death…darn TV is rotting your brain.
So once again, it is in your best interest to keep me alive.