EPIC FAIL…Read If You Need A Laugh

epicfail
I tend not to show epic fails on my site (I like to give you recipes you can be successful with) this one just needed to be shared. I will say the epic fail is on me. I think the recipe (which was by Sherry Yard) was not the issue…as my dad likes to say it was “pilot error”.

While when you taste a French Macaroon you get why they have become popular but most people hate the idea of making them at home. Here’s why:

#1. You only seem to have them at your stuck up “friends” house when she hosts book club. Where she goes on and on telling you about the amazing bakery she got them from. That they know the chef personally, so much so that the chef there insisted on coming out of retirement from cake baking just to make your wedding cake. Oh and then proceeds to bite into one and say this is why (her size negative zero ass) is soooo fat. Punch her in the face and move on.

#2. The ingredients cost a crap ton. Almond flour (aka ground up almonds) is like $14 for that tiny ass bag. Trader Joe’s carries some that is cheaper but not everyone has one of those around the corner. You hate to spend all that money and screw up. I get that. Start a Twitter campaign right now and bug the crap out of Bob’s Red Mill until they send you some.

#3. You have to use a variety of equipment and techniques….and you only like that in the bedroom. :) I kid, we all know you are boring in the bedroom. :P You need a food processor, a stand mixer (well you can get away with an electric but I didn’t give instructions for that so you are screwed), a candy thermometer, piping bags, etc…

#4. You are supposed to use a stencil to pipe them…they even sell templates for that. I throw caution to the wind and free hand those babies. Why? Because when you screw up with a stencil you have only yourself to blame. When you screw up without a stencil you can blame it on the fact that you are no artist and should have used the stencil. Making the gingerbread men shape was even harder since you have to match up two cookies at a time. Remember that what one cookie looks like the other. Which was hard because I accidently gave one of them a penis and I had to sit there and think about removing his penis or just make another gingerbread man with a penis. I went with two penises because I know how unhappy my rabbits were when they had their penises (well technically balls but you see where I am going) removed. I just won’t give those to anyone. Well maybe that bitch from book club. :D

#5. Most of the recipes are in metric methods of measurements. The metric system scares people here in the states. Which it should. I mean it makes more sense than the method we use and common sense certainly scares people. But in reality people just buy a food scale. Seriously they are cheap and you don’t have to annoy bloggers by asking them how many cups is 120 oz…you could just measure it yourself. This recipe I used did it in cups…maybe that was the issue. But it was Sherry Yard and her stuff is usually good.

#6. You aren’t supposed to make them if there is humidity. Which means if you live in say Seattle you aren’t ever supposed to make them. Well we may not have good weather for macaroons but we have moisture in the air and that is why our skin looks good even in winter…just saying.

#7. You have to leave them out to create a “skin”. Which normally whatever but I made penis gingerbread men and felt dirty letting their penises form a skin. Again, just saying.

#8. Some recipes suggest leaving the oven door cracked with a wooden spoon or something of the likes. I only suggest that to single people who can hope the spoon catches on fire (if you have a gas oven) and you can meet yourself a good looking fireman. ;)

#9. The failure rate is high. Honestly I kind of expected mine to fail. I’ve only made them twice in my life other than this batch. The first ones were major fail. The second turned out good actually. And well then there was these…which clearly I got too cocky from the second batch turning out okay. So I’m no master. It was raining out. And then there was my oven. After just 6 minutes in the oven I smelled burning to which I was like WTF. Sure enough the bottoms and some of the sides already were burnt to a crisp. They were supposed to get 12 minutes and then rotate pans and go another 12-14 minutes. So six minutes until Cajun style or as someone mentioned I should make them into gingerbread ninjas. I did get a few decent ones …the penis ones turned out naturally.

#10. If you are actually successful you have to pipe filling in them and then WAIT 24 hours to eat them. Screw that.

So if you are feeling brave and are better at macaroon making than me (I’ll stick to the coconut kind) then by all means give the recipe a try…here’s the link.

Just wanted you to know that even seasoned bloggers screw up. :)

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Comments

  1. Nailed it!!

  2. Dying of laughter. Really. You’re killing me. Love it ;)

  3. Ha! I always say, if you never fail, you cant call yourself a baker!
    You win some- you lose some! :)

  4. This post is hilarious… thanks for the laugh:)

  5. Oh my god yes, this. I’ve tried macarons twice now and epic fail both times. (underdone, stick to sheet, you name it). they look perfect until you try to get them off the sheet and find out that it’s only a perfect shell, the rest is firmly glued to the parchment. (I have no problem doing molded chocolates in NC’s humid and variable weather, so it’s not that I totally suck at technique.) Glad I’m not the only one. :)

  6. Thank you so much for this. I was going to try to make some for my husband’s birthday but now I am just going to go to a fancy bakery where I am just a random customer and buy them. However, I did get up the courage to make your peppermint marshmallows yesterday and they turned out great. They are going to be the perfect teacher gift with some hot chocolate mix.

  7. I laughed so hard at today’s post because you sounded exactly like a friend and I discussing our cooking failures. Hey, only people who never try, never fail.

  8. Don’t you hate it when things go wrong in the kitchen? Sometimes it makes you laugh so hard you cry…or cry so hard you laugh. Or just cry. :P I’ve never braved macarons, even though I’ve conquered almost all my other culinary fears so far. Part of me whispers, “How hard can it be?” The rest of me replies, “What did we just read on Peabody’s blog, self?”

  9. I really want to try making macarons, but everything you listed is why I can’t make them. But this post really was very funny!

  10. Hahahaha!!! I’m dying…. :) HAPPY HOLIDAYS, girl!

  11. Damn that book club girl! ;)

  12. I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard. I’ve totally been there. Bookmarking this to re-read anytime I’m having a crappy day like today. :D Oh, man. You just made my day. *wipes tears away*

  13. That is a good read!! I feel better about my abilities knowing you don’t always knock it out of the park.

  14. Brill!! I needed this today.

  15. Hoot, ROFL. Thank you!

  16. LOVE that you even post your epic fails!! Good for you! I was successful in my first macarons last week. It was definitely an adventure. But I didn’t try any fancy shapes. It was fun to try as gingerbread shapes! Good for you and you learned a lot!

  17. The kids are all asleep and I laughed out loud so many times I almost woke them! Thank you I really needed a laugh today.Thank you for what you do :-)

  18. Hahahaha omg yes. I’ve only made them twice myself and the first time was pretty sad.

  19. Hahhahah I am dying over here Pea!! I love this epic fail story. macarons are the most annoying little fellas to make I have more failures than success.

  20. You are hilarious, I needed to read this post today:-)

  21. You can always be counted on for a crap ton of good humor, even better directed at your own baker (or not) self.

  22. You didn’t post pictures of the penis ones :( You could link them, instead of embedding, with a NSFW tag. I want to see gingerbread penii!

  23. lol… I second what Diane said… I was hoping for a picture of the penis ones. That was a great post.. and now I know why I don’t need to make any macarons. Thank you!

  24. You’re killin’ me … nice to start my morning out with a REAL laugh!!

  25. I am so disappointed in you! No pictures of the well hung gingerbread man? Lol

  26. Oh my gosh! Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh this morning. Happy Friday! I agree with everyone else though.. we need picture proof the big man survived!! ; )

  27. This is freaking amazing. Lol. I seem to have many epic fails in the kitchen. I love the comment from cookbook queen of “Nailed it!” It made me laugh all the more.

  28. OMG Peabody, I’m dying. And trying very hard to contain my laughter so my co-workers don’t think I’m any more insane than the already do.

  29. eileensideways says:

    great blog. follow u on pinterest. your name; peabody. it is unique. imagine if you lived in the same city as me: peabody, massachusetts.

  30. Dead. On. I have suffered though so many failed macaron attempts and still do. Makes me wonder why I still make them. This post is hilarious. Love it.

  31. I always say if you fail a recipe try try again. But there are some recipes when you make them the first time you truly know they are the worst and not worth your effort. Some I have tried have been contestant winners I feel they must have been friendly with the judges because no matter how many times I make them they still taste like crap. Especially macaroons. Paulette

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