One time when I was a teenager and my parents went back to see my grandpa I was left to my own devices. I was left with grocery money (because I knew how to cook) and money for Chinese food (which is pretty much all I wanted to eat back then…kind of still do). For whatever reason I really, really wanted potato salad but we had no hard boiled eggs…but for some reason I had already boiled potatoes. So I had a great idea.

Put the egg in the microwave. So I did. It was fine. Since I was in a rush I decided I would put it in a bowl and run it under cold water to speed up the process. And with that I had hardboiled egg 4th of July…with little bits of hard boiled fireworks flying through the kitchen everywhere.

I cleaned up what I saw but I’m not a very good cleaner and when my mom came home in a couple of days she noticed right away (I missed the large chunks of the ceiling….who knew?) My parents weren’t mad or anything. I mean you know you have a good teen when you go away for 10 days and only come home to microwaved boiled eggs. But my mother was of course annoyed and swears she still found bits of egg over a two year span. I think she was lying.

So I learned it apparently is a mistake to hard boil eggs in the microwave. Good to know.

These rolls are another lesson learned. I saw a recipe on Pinterest for just cake batter cinnamon rolls and that didn’t appeal to me so I decided that I would go the snail route (not that kind of snail) and fill mine with Funfetti pastry cream. But when I clicked through the recipe was super long and they had basically made croissant dough…which is awesome but oh so time consuming. And well I got me yet another part time job and so time is even more limited. So I decided to look up a no yeast quick fix cinnamon roll recipe. Big mistake.

So I made this dough that said it might be wet and if it is add more flour. I added and added flour to no end. I finally plopped it out onto the counter to roll out and it spread around like the Blob…it gave new meaning to the expression nailing down Jello. I added more flour which just mean these were going to be seriously tough rolls…they were. When I finally got them manageable I spread on the pastry cream and attempt as quickly as I can to cut them and put them into a pan. That was less than fun. It said bake for 15…it took almost 30. The recipe and me were not friends. So I didn’t include it and I am not going to link it.

While the rolls were a mistake the idea was good and if I ever get the time to make brioche again I will make these again. So be prepared to see them again at some point…with better results. But life is about making mistakes and learning from them. I’ve never boiled an egg in a microwave ever again and I’m never going to skip corners and try and make a quick roll again. Yuck. A perfectly good waste of sprinkles.

The pastry cream FYI can be mixed with whipped cream and thrown into a prepared pie crust (think cookie) and it would make a great pie!

Also want to say a big Happy Birthday to my mom today!!!

Funfetti Pastry Cream

1 cup whole milk
3 large egg yolks
1/4 cup granulated sugar
4 TBSP cornstarch, sifted
1/2 tsp. pure vanilla extract
2 TBSP unsalted butter, cut into bits at room temperature
1/3 cup funfetti cake mix

Bring the milk to a boil in a small saucepan.

Meanwhile, in a medium heavy-bottomed saucepan, whisk the egg yolks together with the sugar and cornstarch until thick and well blended.

Still whisking, drizzle in about 1/4 cup of the hot milk– this will temper, or warm, the yolks so they won’t curdle. Whisking all the while, slowly pour in the remainder of the milk.

Put the pan over medium heat and, whisking vigorously, constantly and thoroughly (making sure to get the edges of the pot), bring the mixture to a boil. Keep at a boil, still whisking, for 1 to 2 minutes, then remove the pan from the heat.
Whisk in the vanilla extract and cake mix. Let sit for 5 minutes, then whisk in the bits of butter, stirring until they are full incorporated and the pastry cream is smooth and silky.

Scrape the cream into a bowl. You can press a piece of plastic wrap against the surface of the cream to create an airtight seal and refrigerate the pastry cream until cold or, if you want to cool it quickly–as I always do–put the bowl into a larger bowl filled with ice cubes and cold water, and stir the pastry cream occasionally until it is thoroughly chilled, about 20 minutes.

Adapted from Baking From My Home To Yours by Dorie Greenspan

MDP and I were roaming the aisles of our local Rite Aid in search of Mini Cadbury Crème Eggs…found them obviously . In doing so we were picking up all sorts of candy and commenting. One of them were Prayer Jelly Beans “Reaching the World One Piece at a Time”…it’s up on my CCbP Facebook page if you care to see those. The other thing we were commenting on were the Brach’s Chicks and Rabbits Marshmallow Candy which we both agreed we secretly loved.

I sat there staring at them and he was like don’t buy those we will eat them in one sitting. Which is true. I told him though that I wondered if I could make anything with them. He told me he doubted that. I told him they were just like Circus Peanuts and that I once made Circus Peanut Ice cream…and I kind of almost shouted it. Except I didn’t say Peanuts. I said something that sounded like peanuts. I meant to say peanuts. It didn’t come out as peanuts. It came out as an ice cream flavor I don’t ever want to eat. MDP turned bright red and quickly fled from the aisle as quickly as he could. I decided to put the candy back after that. Somehow making it into an ice cream was no longer appealing.

But I still wanted to make Cadbury Crème Egg Crème Brulee. I searched the internet only to find that someone made what they called Cadbury Crème Egg Crème Brulee only for me to be greatly disappointed. It was crème brulee that they just stuck and egg in. While I am sure tasty, a little bit of a cop out in my opinion. I figured it would taste way more like a crème egg if there was actual crème egg throughout the custard…and it does. It is pretty sweet but then again if you are eating the crème eggs whole it’s actually less sweet than that…so I take that back.

My back-up goalie really wanted these. He called me evil when I told him I was making them. I told him he could come get them…not sure if he is going to take me up on that. If not, I have a feeling they can find a home.

Cadbury Crème Egg Brulee

4 ounces Mini Cadbury Crème Eggs (unwrapped…I know this seems obvious but I had a reader once not do it and complained I didn’t explain that), chopped up
1 cup heavy cream
3 egg yolks, at room temperature
¼ cup granulated sugar
¼ tsp. vanilla extract

In a medium bowl whisk together the egg yolks, sugar, and vanilla extract.

Using a double boiler or a saucepan with heatproof bowl over it, melt the Cadbury crème eggs. They won’t totally melt like normal chocolate because it’s got fondant in it. It will make a nice warm blob…go with that. Place into a blender…yep, blender.

In a small saucepan, bring cream to a boil. Once at a boil remove from heat. Take ¼ cup of the cream and pour into egg mixture while whisking the whole time. You are tempering the eggs so they don’t scramble on you. Keep doing this ¼ cup at a time until all the cream is whisked in. Pour mixture into blender and let sit for a minute.

Turn blender on low at first and then up to high, you want the chocolate fully incorporated into the cream/egg mixture. You don’t want chunks but the end of the world won’t happen if you do.

Pour into 3-4 (depending on how big yours are…I got 4) leaving just a little room. Place them into a 9-13-inch pan and fill half way up the ramekin with hot water making them a little water bath.

Bake at 300F for 30-37 minutes depending again on the size of your ramekins. I had one slightly smaller on and that took 34 minutes the other three took 37. You just need to watch it. You want it firm but with a little jiggle in the middle. Remove from oven and from water bath and let sit for about 5 minutes. Then while still warm add the extra egg on top. It will sink a little…that’s okay. You will notice this says brulee and looks it. The fondant makes it look that way. These don’t actually get tourched unless you want it. And if you do want that, do it after they have been in the fridge for 4 hours.

It’s Valentine’s Day this week which usually involves people’s own version of civil war….those who have a Valentine vs. those who do not. When I taught junior high I used to try and take Valentine’s Day off. Not to spend it with my sweetheart but because I couldn’t deal with the drama. Some called it Valentine’s Day I called it Crying Girl Day. Either girls were really, really happy because the boy they liked gave them something or they were crying because they had no one. Or the guy they liked sent flowers to another girl and not them. And then of course there were the actual girl fights over boys. You think we would learn as grown women but not so much.

Valentine’s Day has been whipped into quite a frenzy if you don’t have someone. Oh no, I don’t have someone for Valentine’s Day! Oh no, I don’t have someone for July 17th. What’s July 17th? It’s just a day…and so is February 14th. Personally my day of needing someone is April 15th…Tax Day. I cry a lot that day. And drink…so I’ll need a DD.

So don’t stress if you don’t have a Valentine for February 14th, it’s just a day on the calendar. If you want flowers, go buy some…the day after Valentine’s Day and save you money. Candy? Buy some? Hugs? Get one of these.

These were seen on Pinterest (shocking) but I did mine in two ways, one as bark for those of you who don’t have heart molds (aka those of you who don’t have a kitchen gadget and pan addiction like me). This is seriously easy and is even done in the microwave. So if you know someone who doesn’t have a Valentine, make them a batch of these and spread the love…and chocolate.

Conversation Heart Bark

12 oz white chocolate chips
1/2 cup conversation hearts, chopped
1/4 cup conversation hearts, whole

Prepare a baking sheet by lining it with aluminum foil. If making them in silicone heart shapes you do not need to do anything to the molds.

Place the white chocolate chips in a microwave-safe bowl and microwave until melted, stirring after every 30 seconds to prevent overheating. Set aside for a few minutes.

Add 1/2 cup of chopped conversation hearts to the white chocolate and stir until combined. Pour the white chocolate onto the prepared baking sheet and spread it out a little bit. If using heart molds, evenly distribute chocolate among the molds. Mine holds 6.

While the chocolate is still wet, sprinkle the 1/4 cup of whole hearts over the top of the bark and press them gently into the chocolate to adhere them. If making hearts place hearts randomly and make sure the conversation side is visible.

Refrigerate the bark to set the chocolate for about 20 minutes. Once set, break the bark into small irregular pieces to serve. If making hearts, push out of molds. Conversation Hearts Bark can be stored in an airtight container in the refrigerator for up to a week.

**Screw Zombies, I am afraid of a spider apocalypse. Last night while having a bit of insomnia I upgraded my toe nails to Domestic Goddess by OPI from the chipped whatever color that was on them. While calmly doing my nails just trying to avoid dog hair…dropped from the F&*$ing sky was a spider that landed in my wet nail polish on my big toe. I’m not sure why a blood curdling scream did not spew from my mouth. I think I was past screaming. I mean here was a tiny to most/huge to me black with now a touch of purple spider squirming on my freaking toenail. I hyperventilated while the dog watched me strangely flail around and freak out. With the world’s largest wad of toilet paper I removed the spider but spent the rest of the night on the lookout for the spider paratroopers.

**If you want to hear me squeal then you should have been at the grocery store yesterday when my favorite bacon was on sale…and then there was a coupon on top of that. The freezer is FULL of bacon. Bacon and ice cream…and Jägermeister.

**I have decided that people who make socks hire people to go and steal at least one of those pairs of socks when you get home. Seriously who keeps taking all my socks??? I keep buying socks and keep having LESS socks.

**The dog is refusing to walk. When walking for three whole minutes she just sat on the sidewalk and refused to move. I need her a dog personal trainer apparently to motivate her.

**Nothing goes better with bacon than deep frying cinnamon rolls. Seriously ghetto and seriously awesome. I figure with Paula having to cook healthier there is an opening in the death queen category so I am applying. These are ghetto for the fact that I use refrigerator store bought cinnamon roll dough…don’t care, still good. I bet they would be extra awesome with homemade. But these took me all of 20 minutes and that’s what works for me. Yes you are going to want to make these. No, don’t be afraid of frying.

Deep Fried Cinnamon Rolls

Vegetable oil (enough to cover at least 2 inches of a heavy pan)

1 package refrigerator cinnamon rolls

Pour enough oil to cover at least 2 inches in the bottom of a heavy pan (I used a Le Crueset). Using a deep fry thermometer, heat oil to 350F. Do not leave unattended.

While oil is heating, open cinnamon rolls and fasten each one with a long toothpick or wooden skewer that has been cut to size. Let dough rest for 10 minutes.

Carefully place cinnamon rolls (I use tongs), one or two at a time, into the oil.

Cook for about 1 minute on each side, or until golden brown. Using a slotted spoon (or tongs), carefully lift donuts out of the oil and place onto paper towels to drain and cool completely.

I just dusted mine with powdered sugar and used the glaze it came with (I like the orange kind).